Never have. And yesterday was no exception.
Someone signed me up as a writer and seemed to challenge me with the word test.
I wrote the post, but when I write, I do so with my whole heart, and what I share needs time for reflection because I want to post it only if it is the will of the Holy Spirit as I understand Him.
That means it is something that I want to say and believe, but it also means that I write according to what readers are ready for.
That determination comes from the witness of the Holy Spirit for me.
Sometimes I need a bit of time to process the emotional impact before I send the post, and such it was yesterday.
I am also learning that I am not one to place myself under the direction of others any more than I have to.
And quite frankly, I think it goes against the grain of what we were created to be by God.
At any rate, at nearly 65, I should be able to be accountable to and for myself.
I will put up the post I prepared yesterday, but look out and be prepared because I may talk very Christian terms, but I speak in very earthy forms.
Maybe you know that about me already.
This is a rough spring for me. It magnifies my failure to fulfill what I thought for decades was my goal.
That of manifesting a healthy family.
I have four grandchildren graduating this year. Three I have not seen for seven years.
The church I had joined to help me with my goal was instrumental in assuring that it would not be met and has left my descendants bereft of the assistance that I could give in the world of chaos and confusion.
I would not change a thing, though.
I believe in freedom above all else.
Freedom to live a life that you feel good about. And for reasons that have been made clear to me over the years by the Holy Spirit, my children have been able to do just that.
I do my best to “shine” as an example of seeking joy and walking by the witness of the Holy Spirit in all I do, even when I am swearing like a 64-year-old woman, lol.
Oh, some are angry, and they have different views on how I screwed up, which curiously are different oftentimes than the way that I believe I messed up.
But you know what? I cannot live through their interpretation of me. I can only live the best life I can.
To give me an emotional edge this spring, I decided to dye my hair red for the first time in my life. I have always been blonde, although I did do a peach once that was awesome.
I wonder if red hair will give me more courage?
When I look in the mirror, I am expecting it will remind me to laugh and know that things are not as challenging or as lasting as they may sometimes appear.
The thing that breaks my heart is not being able to support my children as they move onto later years. They have all the tools that I could give them from early on, and they are also blessed with the ability to call on the Holy Spirit to assist them.
Long ago, I learned I had to place my children in God’s care. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit allowed me to know that I would not have them for long.
He has been very generous with me in allowing me to prepare for the difficulties in my life.
Maybe I am not doing as bad as I thought in the one test that counts.
The one that asks if I will look to the Lord and God for assistance.
That’s all I can do.
One day at a time.
Till next time, God bless, bye for now.