I Have to Express This Somewhere!
The absurdity of having to compete with your daughters is nauseating!
I can think of no way to share how to do life better than to share it as it comes to me.
It takes me four days to decompress the negative energy that I get from an extended visit with her and NO ONE would be able to say that ANYTHING OFF was coming from her at all.
Or at least that is what she believes.
She cannot stand me and …..
It feels like gaslighting. Not allowing you to have your own mind. And in a way, not even your own existence!
It really does feel like war!
I have a situation going on with a daughter. She is shunning me and will not allow me to “exist” in our interactions so why even bother. She has controlled the conversations I have with her or any of her immediate family and it has been very hurtful to watch. I have seen her use abusive techniques (physical and otherwise) on her family also and I cannot take it anymore.
I had no mother as a child and to abandon them is so objective to me but they are God’s kids first and I need to trust that HE will take care of them because I cannot.
I am sorry to have to walk away because two others in the family seem to have good feelings for me, but I cannot accept this any longer and know that it troubles the other two as well. I do not know who they see at fault, which no longer matters. I cannot do this.
A Course in Miracles helps me to sort out what existence is all about and the Holy Spirit within guides me in my understanding, step by step.
Here is a Workbook Lesson that helped me sort out some of this relationship stuff.
My thoughts* on ACIM Urtext Lesson 225 for 13 August 2023.
My home awaits me. I will hasten there.
* My Home is IN God.
1. If I so choose, I can depart this world entirely.
* By BEING in the Presence and Witness, IE Awareness of God through the Acceptance of the True Forgiveness of the Atonement and listening to the Holy Spirit with the eyes He gives you personally.
²It is not death which makes this possible, but it is change of mind about the purpose of the world.
³If I believe it has a value as I see it now, so will it still remain for me.
⁴But if I see no value in the world as I behold it, nothing that I want to keep as mine or search for as a goal, it will depart from me.
⁵For I have not sought for illusions to replace the truth.
2. Father, my home awaits my glad return.
²Your Arms are open and I hear Your Voice.
³What need have I to linger in a place of vain desires and of shattered dreams, when Heaven can so easily be mine?
* “The world” to me is becoming “relationships that are outside of God.”
* It has been very difficult for me to let go of the idea of “relationships” here in this world. Especially the one of mother/child. Perhaps it is because I did not have a mother to walk with me. Perhaps because I did not want to have anyone else feel abandoned.
* Actually, I have always believed that the relationships we were born into were put there by God’s Design and that we were to help each other along the way. I remember having this attitude toward a sister who was six years younger than me. (It is actually Me and Jesus who decide what origins I will have and the main components of the visit long before I get into my physical body.)
* I have felt a responsibility to try to be an example for my children and posterity. But I would not put that “responsibility” on anyone today. I no longer believe that “I” have that responsibility but see that each individual MUST find that witness and recognition within through confirmation of TRUST in themselves and their own inner guidance.
* Today, I feel much stronger about having a relationship with God and the inner self and guidance that resides there. I have watched grandchildren grow and realize that they will lead the lives they had set out to have. Not something we design. Yes, I have seen the manipulations of the narcissist that must prove that they ABSOLUTELY can control others lives AND will use whatever means at their disposal, including any form of abuse or bribery. But this is not a life they have given their children but a prison of the parent’s making that leaves BOTH WANTING.
* I still believe in influence but this obligation that means that I need to stay in touch with someone who does not like me at all and sees me only as a distasteful personality that they measure their success by, is a sickening addiction to me and while it is something I have chosen to hold on to for decades I MUST let it go.
* To lose their association is to lose others that do want to engage with me in a respectful and caring way. But that is their journey and path and I do not need use their situation to tie me to a situation that shreds me to ribbons and LEAVES ME NO WHERE TO TURN BECAUSE NO ONE SEES WHAT IS DONE. OR “IF” THEY DO SEE IT HAVE DESIDED THAT SOME THINGS YOU JUST CANNOT CHANGE AND ARE NOT WORTH MESSING WITH.
* The role of the ego to destroy is secure. The ego is not about to let that go. Even the ones who appear to be nice do so for nefarious reasons of unhealthy entanglement that I may not understand today. UNION WITH GOD for ALL OF OUR NEEDS is our ONLY TRUE REALITY,
* For me to stay subject to abuse because of some presupposed responsibility or obligation is not what God Wills and is my response to fear.
* Can you tell that I am trying to work something out?
* Ego is ego. I have to accept that within the framework of forgiveness that I understand.
* I also have to understand that they receive all that they need from Father as I do. And rejoice in that.
* Their behavior may well be a “call for love” as the Course suggests, and that means a witness of the forgiveness of the Son for belief in something that could never have been (the separation from God). I OFFER THEM this by my acceptance of the Atonement. It has no other hold on ME PERSONALLY.
* In that sense, my dad was right when he said of the molestation of my childhood that he had repented and now I needed to repent. That was a disgusting statement to me at the time he said it. NEVER did he say he was sorry to me. His visual of me was that I was a slut and a “prick tease” and asked for everything that I received by virtue of being a body.
* There was no relationship with him and never could be, as long as he saw me as a body. HOW MANY OTHER PEOPLE DO I GIVE MY LOYALTY TO WHO ONLY SEE ME AS A BODY? Is this something that I owe them, or do I owe my loyalty to God and HIS SON who is “behind or inside” of everything that I see?
* Would I NOT serve God better by ISOLATING myself and allowing the world that wants to “believe in bodies” get on with it???
* I need to turn to God for my everything and not look to others to fulfill any need but know that all came from God, even when others bring it to me as in housing, food, and so forth.
* I MUST be willing to let others find that out for themselves. I cannot FORCE them to recognize their need for God.
* I cannot live their lives. I cannot make things easy for them. ~ Oh, how I wanted to!!! ~
* I have to remember that they are in God’s care. That has been difficult to do but I must understand that it is so.
* The ego wants to force us to socialize as bodies because that keeps his identity hidden and secure at least for a while. When we are alone in body, we must face the one relationship that counts and that is the one with God.
* It is not loneliness that is the pandemic but facing our own reality, and the fact that others do not define us and create us but that we have a Creator that waits to be acknowledged and embraced that will lead us to more abundance in all things than we could begin to imagine.
